Advice: My boyfriend’s mother introduces me as her daughter-in-law

I saw this story on-line and thought it made a good point.  What do you think? At first we see that this is the boyfriend's job to pull mom aside and say something, but then we read that the girlfriend should tell his mother something.  Which one do you think is the better choice?

By CAROLYN HAX, SYNDICATED COLUMNIST

tellme@washpost.com

http://www.seattlepi.com/lifestyle/advice/article/Advice-My-boyfriend-s-mother-introduces-me-as-4666970.php

Dear Carolyn:

My boyfriend's mother has started introducing me to her friends as her "daughter-in-law." There's a long history of her discomfort with the fact that her son and I aren't married (yet/ever?), and I'm not sure how to address this new wrinkle. Should I just leave it alone, since it's relatively harmless and probably makes her feel better in her social circle, or correct the inaccurate label?

-- Maryland

What has your boyfriend thought or done about it? This is his move before it's yours. I hope he greets it with a pull-aside and a discreet, "Mom, please cut the (crud). Thank you."

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• If she's doing it when he's not around to hear it, then I suggest speaking up to her afterward, in private. "I appreciate how welcoming you are, but calling me your daughter-in-law leaves me with two awkward choices: to correct you or to deceive others. I hope you'll understand that I'd rather not do either one."Obviously I disagree that her using this terms is "relatively harmless." What she's doing is manipulative and wrong -- forcing her views, really, under a veil of propriety, family and apple pie.
• Re: Non-daughter-in-law:
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Is it manipulative to use a formal term for an informal relationship? I used to refer to my (now, really, truly) stepmother as such when she and my dad were cohabiting. It was mostly for simplicity's sake but also to introduce her in relation to me, and there was no other good term for it. Dad could call her any number of things, but all I had was "Dad's live-in girlfriend," which felt impersonal, or "stepmom."

-- Anonymous

Remember, we're talking about a situation where "there's a long history of her discomfort" -- hence my reading it as manipulative.

To answer your general question: Whenever you're not sure, ask. "I don't like to call you X because it feels Y. OK if I call you Z?

It can also be helpful to err on the side of omission. Of the three pieces of information -- "Dad's," "live-in," "girlfriend" -- how many did your listener really need?

Our Journey to Ms. Veteran America 2013

Mother's Day

Wow, what a beautiful mother's day this year turned out to be. The weather was nice, the company, and food.  How was yours?  I read on one of the stepmother's posts that stepmother's day is the wknd after Mother's Day.  I have mixed feelings about that one.  Do you?  This year was extra special for me because my little girl is just about old enough to scribble a little something on my card at only 16 months old.  How sweet to see a little card that says from your daughter.  I've raised two handsome strong young men and starting over with a little girl.  How has this year been different for you?  Did you spend time with your mother-in-law?  I'd like to hear from you.  I know it's been a while since I've blogged, but we were hit with a tidal wave last year with the baby's cancer and I don't have to tell you that my priorities have taken a different turn.  Drop me a line and share your story with us. 

A time for everything.

A time for everything. Found a great poem in the Bible applicable to step/blended families. Sharing just some of it. A time to plant and a time to uproot. A time to tear down and a time to build. A time to embrace and a time to refrain. A time to search and a time to give up. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be silent and a time to speak. A time for love and a time for hate. A time for war and a time for peace. Ecclesiastes 3.

Fairy Dust Do-Over for StepMoms

Fairy Dust Do-Over for StepMoms

Tinker Bell was on to something when she threw around some of her fairy dust.  I wish we had some of our own just for step moms; a little stepmom magic if you will.  No more awkward moments, dirty looks, or under-handed jabs.  Drop a little dust when no ones looking and bye bye stress bird.

Going to a parent teacher conference?  No problem.  A little sprinkle here a little sprinkle there, and enjoy the rest of the evening-- You, hubby, and the step kids.

A graduation you say?  I have a fix for that.  A dab here a dab there and so long flies in the ointment.

Meeting half way?  No sweat.  A touch of this a touch of that and later to the hater. 

A birthday you say?  No biggie.  A pinch over here a pinch over there, and blow away.

Yes siree, a little fairy dust could go a long way.  Stepmom magic is available and it is free.  Want to get your hands on some?  Who wouldn’t-- You, me, the whole family.  Let’s get together and make us some.  It has to be legal, safe, and free.  Easy access to anybody.  Drop me a line if you know how and together we can help stepfamilies.

Man charged with slaying his sister-in-law

Not only does he stab his sister-in-law, but he also kills his nieces.  What could have driven this young man to be so violent?  Why was the 6 month baby not harmed--was this baby his?  What do you think about in-law violence/abuse?  Is it as bad as it seems or does it reach only a very small population?

http://articles.nydailynews.com/2012-10-28/news/34782884_1_murder-case-mother-of-murder-victim-young-children

My interview on the Brummet's Conscious Blog

Many folks want to be heard, but they are not sure how.  I touch on a few questions asked by unpublished writers.  I hope I have answered their questions.  Take a look:

http://consciousdiscussions.blogspot.ca/2012/10/world-of-writing-interviews.html